Now that the school year has started or is about to begin, it’s important both parents understand the role they play in assisting their child with homework.
Some families have the maxim one parent goes out and earns the money and the other takes care of the kids. Even in families where both parents work, I’ve seen this be the de facto agreement. It’s not a great idea.
Most parents want their children to excel academically yet somehow think it makes sense to subcontract out homework, supervision of school and parenting responsibility.
The most successful students I have seen, those who are self-motivated and really don’t need mom or dad to cajole, yell or bribe them into accomplishment, are often students with two parents aligned on the value school is important.
We can argue in some families one parent is gone most of the time so what precious few hours they have with the kids should not be taken up with assignments, lecturing and overseeing homework. That can be argued but it is not convincing. An important part of parenting is having fun and being a person your son or daughter can confide in, absolutely.
Equally important however is understanding a component of being a good parent is spending time helping your child when they are struggling with schoolwork. It’s not one parent’s responsibility; it is more likely to be successful if both parents see this as a shared responsibility.
That even goes for families that are separated or divorced and one parent only sees their kids every other weekend. Four days a month is certainly not much time to get to be a parent. But even for these parents, reading to their kids, helping them with homework and contacting the teachers is essential.
I’ve heard the parent with less custodial time argue that they just want to enjoy their kid. That’s fine, however kids are not here for our amusement. Parenting always includes modeling, reinforcing values and encouraging independence. Not every homework session has to be yelling and screaming with threats and bulging veins. Reinforcing learning can mean going to the bookstore, watching films and just exploring the child’s views on how they plan to become independent.
For years, I left before my kids went to school and arrived home close to their bedtime. When my wife went back to work, it was my responsibility to take the kids to school.
What at first seemed like a chore turned out to be one of the best parts of my day. The kids are in the back seat and there is something hypnotic about driving that tends to loosen the tongues of children. Maybe it’s because they are in the back seat and it seems like their own little world; maybe it’s the vibration and drone of the car. I don’t know, but as I look back, talking with my kids for the 20 minutes it took to take them to school I learned more about what they thought and valued than all of the talks in my study.
Parents may not feel they have the time to help their kids with homework or even converse, but opportunities are there if we see them as just that — opportunities, not chores.
Mitchell Rosen is a licensed therapist with practices in Corona and Temecula.
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