Out of all the image-conscious brands existing today to do business with, there’s this one e-commerce site that offers a holistically horrific selection of cut-rate overseas warehouse drek imaginable, at discounted prices so embarrassingly low and a reputation perhaps even lower that it sends up enough red flags that the Better Business Bureau posts hundreds of complaints for everyone’s amazement and amusement.
But wait, there’s more.
That dream package deal interests you so much, you not only embrace it as a legitimate partner for your professional sports team, but deem it worthy of adding their name on a high-visible patch that’s right next to your iconic logo?
Dear Lakers: Be very careful what you Wish.com for.
This wishy-washy “digital mall” of maligned mulch passed off as consumer waste claims to be “shopping made fun,” enough so that it will apparently fund the Lakers with more than $30 million in disposable income over the next few seasons should either still be in business after this, according to details of an agreement announced this week.
We don’t discount Lakers President of Business Operations Tim Harris’ best intentions, but it’s dubious that he or anyone else in the organization did any kind of due diligence, or else this wish would never have been granted.
“We talked to a bunch of companies,” he tried to explain why as to why the Lakers attached themselves to this San Francisco-based flim-flam firm instead of perhaps something more local and reputable. “We were hoping for a company that is more mobile facing, because it helps us to continue to connect with younger fans.”
The kind of fans who wish they used Amazon Prime instead?
If you’re starting to think the Lakers would be better off going topless after this consensual arrangement, at least to avoid more ridicule from the local sports-talk landscape, that leads us to the next problem.
Type in pretty much the worst imaginable adult-related bedroom gadgetry you’ve ever heard of on the site’s search engine, and what comes up is stuff more obscene than a $64 million contract once given to Timofey Mozgov. One-size-fits-all championship rings, for example, available for all sorts of body parts.
It’s obvious the Lakers desperately need this kind of extra cash channel to counteract any more of the league-imposed fines that come from loose-lipped tampering.
But our guess is if Jeanie Buss ever decides to go onto the flea-market site that really does offer stuff like $2 dentures, $10 horny goat weed herbal tea or a $39 electronic device that ignites a 12-cue professional looking light-up-the-sky fireworks show for your backyard, without any of the necessary permits or safety devices – surely, all quality items — she might first order something from the cease-and-desist department once she sees all the other Lakers-branded counterfeit-looking items that would seem to undercut the team’s own NBA vendors.
Otherwise, what’s the promo code again for that $24 Kobe Bryant NBA Robojam Gyro Helicopter with the twin propellers coming out his head and likely to catch fire once the batteries are loaded into it?
== When do the market-delayed, marked-down Big Baller shoes start showing up on Wish.com so the common-folk have a legitimate shot at rejecting them?
== One tip for those about to follow the Sparks’ return to the WNBA Finals for Sunday’s Game 1 against the Lynx: The Sparks will be the team in the purple or yellow jerseys with the logo for something called “EquiTrust” stitched above their numbers. That’s a well-regarded life insurance company that Magic Johnson Enterprises added to its portfolio in 2015. The Lynx’s jerseys read “Mayo Clinic,” one of the nation’s best hospitals located near the team’s base in St. Paul-Minneapolis. Sellouts? Seems like stuff we could actually use. We trust they could put on a clinic about how to vet out sponsorship deals.
== Can the Lakers also generate a cease-and-detest whatever against Derek Fisher to prevent him from further damaging the brand, and the NBA in general, during his recent performance on “Dancing With The Stars”?
== If the Lakers and Clippers are trying to wage their own “battle for L.A.” in basketball terms, what possesses them to stage their annual “media day” events on the same day? To splinter attention?
== The Clippers need you, and a $175 fee, to prove you still have game. They are accepting applications to open tryouts that could lead to a roster spot on their NBA G League Agua Caliente Clippers of Ontario. Cashier check, credit card or debit card only. No cash or personal checks. Just like how Chris Paul once had to prove his worth before giving up on the whole idea?
== If the Rams could get NFL approval to go all-mustard-yellow PJs every week, and then face the 49ers about 49 times a season, wouldn’t that be the secret to filling in a few extra empty seats in the Coliseum on a regular basis?
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